Lunchebox
Super Robot
Posts: 1235
|
 |
« Reply #100 on: 24 January 2008, 02:09:35 » |
|
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings..."
[spoiler]"... I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"[/spoiler]
 |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mikero
Super Robot
Posts: 11982
|
|
« Reply #102 on: 25 January 2008, 01:43:25 » |
|
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ...'
'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the man.
'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...'
Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
[spoiler]'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!' [/spoiler]
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Lunchebox
Super Robot
Posts: 1235
|
|
« Reply #105 on: 25 January 2008, 05:30:32 » |
|
Oldie but a goodie. I have a similar joke, let see if I remember it right.
So there's this burglar, and he's been staking out this house, owned by a well off family, for a few weeks, and waits for a night when the family is out.
So, taking advantage of this opportunity, breaks in, and begins to walk around. He hears a voice.
"Oberon is watching you."
He does a double take, but sees no one in the darkened house. He shrugs, assumes he's just hearing things, and starts taking things from the shelves, anything expensive looking.
"Oberon is watching you."
This time, he knows FOR SURE he heard a voice. So he starts to stalk around the general direction he heard the voice from, flashlight in hand.
"Oberon is watching you." He spins around with his flashlight, and sees the source of the voice. A parrot.
"Oberon is watching you."
So, jokingly, he asks the parrot "Oh yeah? And who's that?".
The parrot replies:
[spoiler]Oberon is the big pitbull behind you.[/spoiler]
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mikero
Super Robot
Posts: 11982
|
|
« Reply #149 on: 29 February 2008, 01:58:21 » |
|
It's probably better if you told it rather than read it.
Yeah. -- So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:[spoiler] Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.[/spoiler] |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Author
